What Scares You?

​Growing up with traditional Mexican customs in a small Arizona mining town without television or radio, our connections to the supernatural were the stories that were told by the women in our neighborhood. After dinner, sitting in our back yards with only the lights of the stars and moon, the women regaled us with tales of witches, ghosts, the devil and those terrifying monsters that were sure to come and pluck us from our mother’s arms if we did not behave. We enjoyed the stories, the feeling of being scared and begged for more until exhausted by our imaginations and fear. We would run inside the house for cover…until the next time the stories were told.

As children we participated in Halloween as an American holiday and enjoyed dressing up as our favorite villains and scary monsters. We also celebrated the traditional Mexican holiday, Dia De Los Muertos, The Day of the Dead. Beginning October 31 and ending on November 2, it focused on gatherings at the cemeteries with family and friends to pray for those who had passed away, hoping that our prayers would help them along their spiritual journey.  Small wooden carvings of decorated sculls and skeletons hung on our walls and windows and tiny coffins and other reminders of death filled our homes and still to this day, one can purchase these carvings as mementos for the Mexican holiday. Needless to say, an undercurrent of fear of the unexplainable and not being in control was born. 
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According to Dr. Marc Schone, Your Survival Instinct is Killing You, “We humans are actually the proud owners of three separate brains all reflecting different stages of development and evolution. Our first and oldest brain dates back to the time of reptiles and birds. For us it’s housed in the brain stem and cerebellum.” This brain governs our basic needs; heartbeat, breathing, digestion and the fight or flight response and is emotionless. The Limbic Brain is next and is emotional and reacts to fear, anger and impulsive thinking and response to the fight or flight reaction. The Cerebral Cortex located at the front of the brain is the analytical, problem solving and planning for the future brain. All 3 brains are equally working with us all of the time.

As humans, we enjoy a certain amount of fear. We are fascinated with the dark side of life including what happens after death and the usual and unexplained events that fill books, television and movie screens. The fright factor is alive and thriving and has been perpetuated throughout our lives as unsolved mysteries by the likes of Steven King, The Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock and the X-Files to mention a few oldies and the most recent thriller, the seasonal television show Stranger Things. I can safely say that people enjoy the feeling of being anxious. And, of course, it comes naturally to us through our continually working Limbic Brain whose responsibility is to detect and protect us from danger; followed by the Cerebral Cortex, whose problem- solving response rushes in to reason the fear away.  When this occurs, Dr. Schone writes, “This is called top-down brain functioning, whereby the cerebral brain regulates an attempt to control the older brains below.” He goes on to explain that this sets up an ongoing struggle to find a balance between these two parts of our brain. Imagine, our brains competing for control. And now we know why of all the scary thoughts around death or unsolved mysteries,  public speaking, elevators and flying, relationships, accidents and change, it is the thought of not being in control that scares us the most. It most certainly comes to us naturally...through our brain.

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote that Hospice was preparing our family for our mother’s passing. We prepared ourselves, as well as anyone can for the loss of a loved one and we moved her into a loving group home. There, at the age of soon-to-be 91 she has improved and in spite of her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s she is doing well. No Hospice needed and my Sunday visits with her have continued to be our weekly ritual.

This past Sunday, the idea of what scares us the most came through a conversation I had with her. When I arrived for our visit, she explained that she had a difficult time when she was waking up that morning. In her words: “I woke up trying to find myself this morning. Every where I looked, I wasn’t there and I got really scared. I struggled but no matter what I thought, I still couldn’t find where I was. Then I got more scared and I was afraid to get out of my bed. Then I got up and started making my bed. Only then, as I was doing something useful, I slowly began to find myself a little bit at a time. And finally, I found myself.” Reflectively, her story made me think of how easy it is to feel as if we are losing control of our lives.

In my conversations with friends and clients and even the one-moment acquaintances that I meet along the way authoring the series of books on Living Brave, I frequently hear, “I just don’t want to lose control of my mind or my body.”  And of course ,I agree. Who wants to lose control of themselves? But then my friend Karen Van Allen reminded me today that we don’t have control. We can prepare, eat right, exercise, think right and plan for the future, but things don’t always turn out the way we think they should…..change happens. The only control we have is giving up thinking we have control and instead anticipate good will happen…good happens.

So here is a way to tame what scares you; Do all of the things you think you have in your control. Take care of yourself, cultivate great relationships, learn to love unconditionally, nurture your talents and show up for those who depend on you and give back appreciably to your communities. Get out of bed, make your bed and don’t try to control the outcome of your plans. Instead, find yourself and be grateful for the continuum of fear, growth, transformation, your imagination and the three brains that are doing their job to keep you safe.

A very special thank you to my mother, Maria Ramirez, for all of her inspiration. 
(Hilda’s mother passed away in August of 2018)